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RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,” said Maher Mutreb, adding that the Saudi Crown Prince had always made timely payments on past invoices for silencing dissidents. “Plus, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any national holidays coming up that would affect bank hours. I get that I’ll never get the chance to spend it, but that murder and the subsequent cover-up were a lot of work. I already asked that they make it out to my wife, who they’ll probably kill as well, but if they don’t it would be pretty nice if she got what I promised her.” At press time, one of Mutreb’s work friends cashed the check after murdering his entire family.


Published: 16th November 2018 - 4.56 pm
Source: The Onion




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Source: News Thump

             

Latest Article

  


Articles

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,” said Maher Mutreb, adding that the Saudi Crown Prince had always made timely payments on past invoices for silencing dissidents. “Plus, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any national holidays coming up that would affect bank hours. I get that I’ll never get the chance to spend it, but that murder and the subsequent cover-up were a lot of work. I already asked that they make it out to my wife, who they’ll probably kill as well, but if they don’t it would be pretty nice if she got what I promised her.” At press time, one of Mutreb’s work friends cashed the check after murdering his entire family.


Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Expressing concerns about losing out on hard-earned blood money, a member of the Khashoggi assassination squad admitted Friday that he hoped his bonus check from the Saudi Crown Prince cleared before his execution. “They said they would do direct deposit, so everything should be good by Monday,” said Maher Mutreb, adding that the Saudi Crown Prince had always made timely payments on past invoices for silencing dissidents. “Plus, I’m pretty sure there aren’t any national holidays coming up that would affect bank hours. I get that I’ll never get the chance to spend it, but that murder and the subsequent cover-up were a lot of work. I already asked that they make it out to my wife, who they’ll probably kill as well, but if they don’t it would be pretty nice if she got what I promised her.” At press time, one of Mutreb’s work friends cashed the check after murdering his entire family.


Published: 13th December 2018 - 5.41 pm
Source: The Onion


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Cracked
Humour
5 Crazy Ways Movies Went Back On Their Own Messages
29th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The Insane, Unexpected Costs Of Everyday Businesses
29th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Giant Santa Claus Terrorizes British Motorists
28th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
7 Ocean's 11 Style Heists (That Happened In Real Life)
28th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Customer Service Can See Everything You Type (Everything)
28th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Life When Your Brain Randomly Won't Allow You To Talk
28th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
No One Actually Wants A 'Back To The Future' Reboot, Right?
27th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The 5 Dumbest Ways Big Companies Tried To Stay In Business
27th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Heroes of World War 2 Who Have Yet To Get Their Own Movies
27th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Kleptomaniacs reminded there are only 12 shoplifting days till Christmas
13th December 2018 - 1.55 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Mary Poppins Returns' slammed for failing to include Yondu
13th December 2018 - 12.09 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Theresa May to star in British reboot of The Walking Dead: The Dancing Dead
13th December 2018 - 11.41 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May "absolutely delighted to continue with this utter f*cking shambles"
13th December 2018 - 9.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jacob Rees-Mogg to take to the hills and wage pro-Brexit guerrilla campaign
13th December 2018 - 9.21 am
Source: News Thump
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"63% of the vote is not a big enough majority" insist irony-free Brexiters
12th December 2018 - 9.40 pm
Source: News Thump
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Dismay for Jacob Rees-Mogg as he fails to make old lady homeless and unemployed for Christmas
12th December 2018 - 9.21 pm
Source: News Thump
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Jacob Rees-Mogg to release 'I got 48 letters but the bitch ain't gone'
12th December 2018 - 9.01 pm
Source: News Thump
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Everyone gets a set of knives in Conservative Secret Santa
12th December 2018 - 2.25 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
First challenger to Theresa May's leadership is Lady Incognito
12th December 2018 - 11.55 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Everybody almost-but-not-quite feeling sorry for Theresa May
12th December 2018 - 11.11 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Theresa May cancels this evening's vote of confidence in her leadership
12th December 2018 - 10.28 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Latest exciting edition of Tory Thunderdome called for tonight
12th December 2018 - 9.29 am
Source: News Thump
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Tory Brexiters demand new leadership vote insisting 'the will of the MPs' has changed since 2016
12th December 2018 - 8.39 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Theresa May faces her greatest humiliation for a couple of hours
12th December 2018 - 8.14 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Donald Trump threatens to shut down the federal government if Mexico refuses to pay for his wall
11th December 2018 - 7.33 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Intruder tasered and arrested at Westminster before being asked if HE can fix Brexit
11th December 2018 - 6.40 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Avengers: Endgame trailer provoking better reactions than entire Justice League movie
11th December 2018 - 11.45 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
"Harry Potter and The Ceremonial Mace" begins filming in Westminster
11th December 2018 - 10.57 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Southampton cancel Sunday’s match with Arsenal because they don’t fancy losing
11th December 2018 - 10.21 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
European officials pretending not to be in as Theresa May returns to Brussels
11th December 2018 - 9.34 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Theresa May cancels next general election because she doesn't think she'll win
11th December 2018 - 9.03 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Irish border checks to be carried out on Craggy Island
10th December 2018 - 5.09 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Prime Minister delays Brexit deal vote until she's finished writing her CV
10th December 2018 - 3.43 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Boris Johnson hoping new haircut tricks people into forgetting he's a twat
10th December 2018 - 10.29 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
"You lost, get over it" Brexiters told outside European Court of Justice
10th December 2018 - 9.47 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Government pilot scheme to reduce state pension liability fails as 71-year-old survives jungle ordeal
10th December 2018 - 9.25 am
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Humour
Theresa May urged not to sign any more Christmas cards ‘from the Prime Minister’
9th December 2018 - 4.25 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Brexit Betrayal march to attract people from all walks of racism
9th December 2018 - 4.00 pm
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Humour
Audi owner ruins sex session by pulling out without warning
7th December 2018 - 1.47 pm
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Humour
Paul Nuttall denies ever being a member of UKIP
7th December 2018 - 12.25 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Public schools grateful to media for highlighting how good they are at getting students into Oxbridge
7th December 2018 - 11.52 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Spice Girls headlining Glastonbury could see record broken for most piss thrown at one stage
7th December 2018 - 11.06 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
White, straight man pretty happy sexism, homophobia and racism all sorted out now
7th December 2018 - 10.01 am
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Humour
Huge outcry in Glasgow as thieves steal traffic cone from Duke of Wellington statue
6th December 2018 - 3.01 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Expensive Christmas supermarket adverts ensure people continue using supermarket nearest to their house
6th December 2018 - 12.04 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Alderaan government forced to release impact assessments on effect of leaving the Empire.
6th December 2018 - 11.19 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Brexiters who've spent over two years saying 'you lost, get over it' still waiting to discover what they've won
6th December 2018 - 10.45 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Westminster shows its power by doing absolutely nothing to the people they find in contempt
6th December 2018 - 9.27 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Dominic Raab tells parents he rejects toy deal and they should "go back to Santa"
5th December 2018 - 3.59 pm
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Humour
"He was good in The Simpsons, wasn't he?" says everybody at George Bush Snr's funeral
5th December 2018 - 3.42 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Brexit legal advice just says "LOL No" 8,000 times
5th December 2018 - 3.18 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
My contempt for parliament is matched only by my contempt for the public, insists Theresa May
5th December 2018 - 12.22 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Theresa May and Jeremy Corbyn decide on Ninja Warrior format instead of debate
5th December 2018 - 11.46 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
UN apologises after host asks Sir David Attenborough if he can twerk
5th December 2018 - 9.16 am
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Humour
Nigel Farage quits UKIP to spend more time with his ego
5th December 2018 - 8.23 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
‘I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday’ banned for disrespecting other religious festivals
4th December 2018 - 1.58 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Dog approximately 60% mud
4th December 2018 - 11.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
If HP Lovecraft wrote clickbait
4th December 2018 - 10.59 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"The trains in my spare bedroom always run on time, so I know what I'm doing" insists Chris Grayling
4th December 2018 - 10.26 am
Source: News Thump