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WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 
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Published: 11th December 2018 - 10.17 pm
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 
Go to full article
Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 
Go to full article
Published: 24th March 2019 - 6.41 am
Source: The Onion


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5 Modern Countries That Are Acting Like Insane Supervillains
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
14 Dumb Health Products Pretending To Be Ancient Secrets
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
These 42 Characters Are Identical No Matter What They're In
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Goddamn It, Alex Trebek Has Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
A 'Game Of Thrones' Trailer Is Inspiring More Wacky Theories
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Reasons Famously Bad Movies Totally Sucked
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Crucial Things To Remember About Our Wretched Hellscape
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Films That Accidentally Made The Villain The Nicest Person
6th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Better Versions Of Superheroes We'll Hopefully Get Soon
6th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Disney's 'Star Wars' Menu Looks Kind Of Gross
5th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
'Fortnite' Erotica Says A Ton About The Future Of Gaming
5th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Steven Spielberg Wants To Destroy Netflix Movies
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Viral Science News Stories The Media Totally Screwed Up
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Killing The Amazon Dash Button Will Only Make It Stronger
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Miracle Cures That Are Way Worse Than The Disease Itself
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways We Train Teenage Girls To Love Psychopaths
3rd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The 5 Weirdest Schemes Real Countries Use To Pay The Bills
2nd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Unhelpful Ways We Respond To A Friend In Crisis
2nd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Weird Facts About Congress Nobody Told You In School
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways Baby Boomers Keep Getting Worse
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Team INEOS to demonstrate green credentials by recyling jiffy bags
22nd March 2019 - 3.57 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Durham County Cricket appoint Skeletor as 'sporting consultant'
22nd March 2019 - 3.28 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Anti-Brexit petition signed by three-million means nothing, insists man who proudly organised pro-Brexit march for three-dozen
22nd March 2019 - 12.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Hundreds of Brexit gagging orders necessary to stop you getting too excited about our wonderful no-deal preparation, insists Government
22nd March 2019 - 11.32 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jeremy Corbyn storms out of key Brexit meeting due to ‘intolerable presence’ of Jaffa cakes
22nd March 2019 - 10.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man who spent two years saying 'we're leaving on 29th March so suck it up snowflake' eerily quiet this morning
22nd March 2019 - 9.30 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Scotland loses to Borat
22nd March 2019 - 8.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"I'm on YOUR side" insists woman who has cut police and public services to the f*cking bone
21st March 2019 - 12.44 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Mischievous ghost of John McCain replaces Trump's mid-morning burger with a vegan burrito
21st March 2019 - 12.06 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Cersei Lannister uses TV address to tell Westeros peasants "I'm on your side"
21st March 2019 - 10.30 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Instead of telling us what we think about Brexit maybe you should try asking us, nation tells Theresa May
21st March 2019 - 9.32 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
The actress who plays me has wonderful tax lawyers, reveals Lorraine kelly
21st March 2019 - 9.01 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May addresses nation to tell voters that MPs keep being mean to her
20th March 2019 - 9.23 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'A second referendum would be undemocratic, plus we don't have sufficient funds to cheat again' insists Vote Leave
20th March 2019 - 4.31 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May asks for short extension to Article 50 until all Leave voters have died
20th March 2019 - 3.45 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Parents who want "confusing" LGBT rights classes banned somehow fine with algebra
20th March 2019 - 3.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Democracy in the UK is dead' insists man whose Dad became President despite getting fewer votes than his opponent
20th March 2019 - 12.17 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Teenager criticised for throwing egg at Thanos 'just because he wants to kill half of creation'
20th March 2019 - 11.54 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Stubborn cat planning to present owners with same dead mouse for third time despite being told not to
20th March 2019 - 9.50 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Red-faced Theresa May accidentally asks EU for extension to her garage
20th March 2019 - 9.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Disney unveils latest addition to ‘Disney Princesses’ as 20th Century Fox takeover is completed
20th March 2019 - 9.01 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Brexiter MPs furious at John Bercow for stopping them abandoning their principles
19th March 2019 - 3.51 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Bercow and May to fight with hammers
19th March 2019 - 3.06 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage's Brexit Betrayal March hires 200 Polish walkers after finding Brits are not willing to do the job
19th March 2019 - 10.59 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Churchill would certainly have spent a weekend rage-tweeting about petty feuds, insists Fox News
19th March 2019 - 10.26 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Brexiters furious at John Bercow for invoking wrong kind of parliamentary sovereignty
19th March 2019 - 9.44 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May's latest Brexit deal 'substantively different' after being converted to Comic Sans
18th March 2019 - 5.14 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Eurostar advise passengers not to travel to London after reports confirm it is full of miserable sods
18th March 2019 - 12.26 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jet engine developers condemned for potentially bringing Australians 'within four hours of the UK'
18th March 2019 - 11.59 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Facebook promises their latest update means you’ll see even less of the stuff you actually follow
18th March 2019 - 10.56 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Ron and Hermione had a threesome with Dobby the House Elf, confirms JK Rowling without anyone asking
18th March 2019 - 9.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
US sends specialist Thoughts And Prayers team to New Zealand after novice PM foolishly contemplates real action
18th March 2019 - 8.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Leprechauns enjoy final St Patrick's Day not spent conducting customs checks at the Irish Border
17th March 2019 - 6.15 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Irish demonstrate once again how to do patriotism without turning it into something shit
17th March 2019 - 1.38 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage's Brexit march proves nation cares more about Brackley Town vs Curzon Ashton than Brexit
16th March 2019 - 2.19 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Climate change protesters prepare to bicycle home
15th March 2019 - 6.52 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Moment of Brexit tenderness as adorable British MPs think Article 50 extension is up to them
15th March 2019 - 3.57 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May proposes compromise of remaining in EU on weekdays and staying out at weekends
15th March 2019 - 2.49 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Melania Trump body double identified as Steve Tyler
15th March 2019 - 12.37 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Social Justice Batman lights the Virtue Signal
15th March 2019 - 11.03 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Far-right commentators keen to distance themselves from Christchurch shooter who shares every single one of their beliefs
15th March 2019 - 10.00 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Labour leader upholds long-held, principled position of not supporting Labour Party policy
15th March 2019 - 9.13 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Satirists ask for extension to Article 50
15th March 2019 - 9.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
We are having a third vote on my deal in case anyone has changed their mind, insists irony-free Theresa May
14th March 2019 - 8.17 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Knives only to be used with police supervision under new government guidelines
14th March 2019 - 3.03 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Outrage as Cadbury's abandons Easter egg for "Celebratory Chocolate Orb"
14th March 2019 - 12.19 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Eurocrat Nigel Farage suspected of asking foreign leaders to overrule the sovereignty of Westminster
14th March 2019 - 9.46 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Facebook outage forces entire nation to descend into state of mass productivity
14th March 2019 - 8.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Opinion: I have no fucking clue what's going on any more
13th March 2019 - 8.21 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Woman impressed to point of arousal by husband's knowledge of local traffic light sequences
13th March 2019 - 12.57 pm
Source: News Thump


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