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WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 


Published: 11th December 2018 - 10.17 pm
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 


Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

WASHINGTON—Sweating profusely, scratching anxiously at their arms, and sniffing loudly while glancing around and rubbing their eyes vigorously, the visibly strung-out population of the United States demanded Tuesday that President Trump tell them the exact location or locations where drugs are pouring into the country. “Yo, don’t hold out on us here, just let us know where we can find the stuff. You said the country was being flooded with that powder. So where are we talking about? Is it a house, a highway rest stop, on the border, an apartment complex? Just tell me the closest intersection and I’ll do the rest,” said Blaine Christy, echoing the sentiments of the 350 million Americans rubbing at their gums and frantically searching for drug remnants in the couch cushions and floorboards of their homes. “Do I have to come down south or will this fish scale float upstream? Is it uncut? If not, how many times has it been stepped on? ’Cause I’m alright if there’s a little a baby formula, but I’m not getting off the couch for no bunk. And, hey, don’t you worry about the money. I’m good for it.” At press time, the nation’s fiends were slowly and erratically marching on Capitol Hill to demand Trump tell them exactly where the stuff was at. 


Published: 17th January 2019 - 8.33 am
Source: The Onion


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5 DIY Projects That Ruin People's Lives
6th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Crimes Foiled Hilariously By Acts Of God
5th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Mind-Blowingly Stupid Ways Pro Athletes Tried To Cheat
4th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The Bird Box Challenge Is The Dumbest Internet Dare Yet
4th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Things You Didn't Know You Could Get Banned From
4th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
A Fallout 76 Bug Accidentally Erased All Of The Game's Nukes
4th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Here’s How These 19 Shows Hooked You, Then Lost You
4th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
21 Weird Health Facts That Everyone Should Know (Pt 2)
3rd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 (More) Reasons Facebook Is Even Worse Then We Thought
2nd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
How A Spider Triggered The Best News Story of 2019 So Far
2nd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Totally Baffling Crimes That Only Raised More Questions
2nd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Why January 1, 2019 Was A Big Day For You (And Mickey Mouse)
2nd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
21 Weird Health Facts That Everyone Should Know (Pt 1)
2nd January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Crazy Marvel Scenes You Definitely Won't See In The Movies
1st January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Historical Realities Too Dumb For Movies
1st January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Safe Sex Devices You Didn't Even Know You Needed
30th December 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Dumb Video Game Trends You've Never Noticed Before
29th December 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom Is The Worst Sequel of 2018
28th December 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Cracked Editors' Picks Of 2018: 27 Articles We Liked A Lot
28th December 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Here’s Why This Entertainment From 2018 Won’t Age Well
28th December 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Zombies left hugely offended by comparisons to Theresa May's government
16th January 2019 - 8.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Gillette commercial nowhere near as offensive as the price of their f*cking razor blades
16th January 2019 - 11.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Support Theresa May', plead DUP knowing nobody else would be stupid enough go to make a deal with them
16th January 2019 - 10.29 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"The only way forward is to do exactly what I’ve said all along" - exclusive interview with every British politician
16th January 2019 - 9.54 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May grateful that vote of no confidence was called by only MP less popular than she is
16th January 2019 - 9.31 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Britain successfully lulls EU into false sense of security by giving appearance of incompetence and confusion
16th January 2019 - 8.52 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Hard Brexiter and Remainer both convinced they won tonight's parliamentary vote
15th January 2019 - 9.13 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nation shocked as crap deal presented by incompetent leader fails to secure outcome no-one wanted
15th January 2019 - 8.39 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"Angry at our ad? Trim back that broflake rage with the new Gillette Sensor Incel"
15th January 2019 - 7.18 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Donald Trump devastated after having to share his usual daily order of 300 burgers with visitors to the White House
15th January 2019 - 6.44 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man who loves free speech really can't handle it when people use it to disagree with him
15th January 2019 - 4.35 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
David Cameron somehow remains neither tarred nor feathered
15th January 2019 - 4.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man furious at Gillette for 'bullying is bad' advert perfectly happy to be targeted by 'this product helps you get sex' adverts
15th January 2019 - 12.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May lays out offer of handjobs for support ahead of crucial Brexit vote
15th January 2019 - 11.12 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Opinion: This is the fault of absolutely everyone except the people who actually voted for it
15th January 2019 - 9.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May advised never to play poker
15th January 2019 - 8.34 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Kids left wondering why Mum is so determined to take them to see Aquaman
14th January 2019 - 3.09 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse spotted near Westminster
14th January 2019 - 2.16 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"Maybe we should all just be a bit nicer to each other?" suggests stupid f*cking dickhead
14th January 2019 - 12.41 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Trump's wall to be reinforced with 'thoughts and prayers' after success in preventing school shootings
14th January 2019 - 10.30 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Philip May reassures Theresa: 'At least it's the last time you'll have to get up on a cold Monday morning'
14th January 2019 - 9.31 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Black men are terrible fathers, says shit-stirring hack who once hit his pregnant girlfriend
14th January 2019 - 9.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
The only way to defeat far-right extremism is to do everything they want, insists Chris Grayling
12th January 2019 - 11.17 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Asylum applications: Home Office urged to use thumbscrews and waterboarding on the lying bastards
11th January 2019 - 11.47 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jeremy Corbyn finally joins Brexit debate to come down firmly on the side of making Jeremy Corbyn prime minister
11th January 2019 - 9.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Donald Trump denies ever saying he would be faithful to his wife directly
11th January 2019 - 9.31 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Question Time fans outraged as David Dimbleby regenerates as a woman
11th January 2019 - 9.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'You are incredibly shit at cooking' insists smoke alarm
10th January 2019 - 3.48 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Amazon boss Jeff Bezos celebrates divorce deal after being awarded 50% of wife's hair
10th January 2019 - 12.44 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Sajid Javid to launch armed tank patrols along M6 after 26 migrants found in lorry
10th January 2019 - 12.24 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Furious Brexiteers accuse Parliament of trying to take back control of our laws
10th January 2019 - 11.05 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Donald Trump uses Oval Office address to demand new PlayStation, candy, and ‘hot secretaries’
10th January 2019 - 9.46 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Supergonorrhoea to join ailing DC Extended Universe
10th January 2019 - 9.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Outrage as CBeebies' Mr Tumble teaches children to sign 'Nazi'
9th January 2019 - 4.05 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jeremy Corbyn to be told about Brexit
9th January 2019 - 12.14 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Next to' the laundry basket basically the same as 'in' the laundry basket, insists man
9th January 2019 - 11.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Builders hugely impressed by Donald Trump's inability to build a wall on time
9th January 2019 - 8.46 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Disrupting flights is the worst thing drones have ever done, agree homeless Syrians
8th January 2019 - 9.14 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Donald Trump asked if he actually knows what happened to the wall in Game of Thrones
8th January 2019 - 5.35 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
American "sick of hearing foreigners speaking foreign" still doesn't speak Navajo or Cherokee
8th January 2019 - 3.35 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Twats in yellow vests screaming abuse at women 'doing wonders' for public perception of Brexit supporters
8th January 2019 - 12.23 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Dry January under threat as tax return deadline turns people to drink
8th January 2019 - 11.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Anna Soubry is Nazi scum insists irony-free immigrant-hating nationalist screaming into her face
8th January 2019 - 10.45 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Valuable lessons learned from dismal failure to get people pissed-up in a brewery, insists Chris Grayling
8th January 2019 - 8.23 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Veganuary sees huge surge in popularity due to how angry it makes Piers Morgan
8th January 2019 - 8.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
New episode of Sherlock confuses the hell out of everyone
8th January 2019 - 8.09 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
No-deal Brexit rehearsal 'goes well' as 87 trucks successfully drive straight over a Dover cliff
7th January 2019 - 2.52 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Vegans tired of non-vegans always banging on about vegans always banging on about being vegans
7th January 2019 - 12.11 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Body of Aquaman washed up on Irish beach with stomach full of plastic
7th January 2019 - 11.47 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
New album by Tool will take almost as long to listen to as it took to record
7th January 2019 - 11.23 am
Source: News Thump


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