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PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
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Published: 15th April 2019 - 10.02 pm
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
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Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
Go to full article
Published: 24th April 2019 - 3.49 am
Source: The Onion


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5 Weird Facts About Congress Nobody Told You In School
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways Baby Boomers Keep Getting Worse
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Queen to seek asylum in Ecuadorian Embassy during Donald Trump's state visit
23rd April 2019 - 4.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"You can have plastic straws if we can hammer one up your nostril and leave the rest in your house"
23rd April 2019 - 3.08 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Yorkshire celebrating Easter two days late now that chocolate eggs are half price
23rd April 2019 - 2.20 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Britons eagerly begin stockpiling bottles of piss in preparation for Donald Trump state visit
23rd April 2019 - 11.20 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Oppressed English forced to meet underground to wish each other a happy Saint George's Day
23rd April 2019 - 10.43 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Londoners demand drastic solutions to climate change that also cause them no inconvenience whatsoever
23rd April 2019 - 10.22 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage asks Google to 'forget' St. George was actually a Greek immigrant
23rd April 2019 - 9.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Conservatives criticise 'abhorrent' Diane Abbott for using public transport
22nd April 2019 - 4.42 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
No one sure if shops are open
22nd April 2019 - 4.29 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Protesters won't be happy until every single Londoner hates them
20th April 2019 - 12.01 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Adele break-up leaves fans both devastated and wildly excited for her next album
20th April 2019 - 10.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Brexiters fear European elections could create a rift between idiots and racists
19th April 2019 - 10.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Mark Francois explodes
19th April 2019 - 9.51 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Crossrail workers mistaken for transport disruption protestors
19th April 2019 - 9.23 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
William Barr publishes summary of Harry Potter series claiming Voldemort was "completely exonerated"
18th April 2019 - 6.20 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Redacted Mueller report shows Trump guilty of ████████ with ███████ and ████ ██ ███!
18th April 2019 - 4.25 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Successful Extinction Rebellion campaign delays inevitable global catastrophe, by a couple of hours
18th April 2019 - 12.22 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man slammed for having an emotion
18th April 2019 - 11.49 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Catholics busy confusing science with divine intervention
18th April 2019 - 10.38 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Government that can't make its own MPs support it genuinely believes it can stop teenagers from wanking
18th April 2019 - 9.57 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Targaryen queen considers launching power bid with messages on side of dragon
17th April 2019 - 10.26 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Grenfell survivors regret not installing stained glass windows to ensure a quick rebuild after fire
17th April 2019 - 9.50 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Any chance of a new kidney unit?' ask dialysis patients after French billionaires donate 600m Euro to save Notre Dame
17th April 2019 - 9.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage livid after learning that Stonehenge was built by Turkish immigrants
16th April 2019 - 11.56 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Opinion: Resurgam, or 'I shall rise again'
16th April 2019 - 11.25 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Daily Mail 'journalist' spontaneously combusts as Shamima Begum is granted legal aid
16th April 2019 - 10.27 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
DNA tests reveals Stonehenge was a neolithic monument to kebabs
16th April 2019 - 9.46 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Trump Tower to replace existing fire safety equipment with airborne water tankers
16th April 2019 - 9.17 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
World reminded that firefighters are remarkable
16th April 2019 - 9.02 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Line of Duty' jargon to get its own spin-off series
15th April 2019 - 3.36 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Helping someone guess a password is much worse than rape, insists US government
15th April 2019 - 2.23 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Joey Barton and Barnsley manager clash over Kant's categorical imperative
15th April 2019 - 12.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Who the hell is DCI Hargreaves?, asks Britain
15th April 2019 - 11.35 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Terrorism threat reduced to negligible after GCHQ crack Frank Sidebottom's secret codes
15th April 2019 - 10.33 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
People who post Game of Thrones spoilers the new paedophiles
15th April 2019 - 9.32 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage launches new colour of bus to with which try and fool the public
15th April 2019 - 9.12 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
All the great political satirists joke about not raping people, insists Gerard Batten
14th April 2019 - 8.20 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Dog barking in his sleep dreaming he's a direwolf
14th April 2019 - 3.43 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
I had a parachute, Emperor explains
13th April 2019 - 11.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
New Star Wars trailer literally the most important thing in the world right now
13th April 2019 - 10.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage launches the 'Get Nigel Farage on Telly' party
12th April 2019 - 7.45 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Co-op becomes first supermarket to bake gingerbread men without genitals
12th April 2019 - 3.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nigel Farage launches new political party for MEPs who like getting paid but not doing any work
12th April 2019 - 2.44 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Criminalisation of upskirting means Daily Mail unable to print any more photos of female celebrities
12th April 2019 - 1.31 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Israel fires spacescraft at the moon after alleging someone there threw stones at them
12th April 2019 - 1.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Warning that scrapping Page 3 could leave footballers unable to find girlfriends
12th April 2019 - 12.42 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
BBC accidentally shows clip of sofa being disinfected following Mark Francois appearance
12th April 2019 - 9.18 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Julian Assange's cat celebrating having entire room and balcony to itself
11th April 2019 - 3.21 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"Black Hole" picture actually the Eye of Terror, humanity warned
11th April 2019 - 2.26 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Mark Francois named European of the Year for uniting entire continent in agreeing he's a twat
11th April 2019 - 12.12 pm
Source: News Thump


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