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PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
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Published: 15th April 2019 - 10.02 pm
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
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Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

PARIS—Responding just minutes after the 12th-century Catholic monument caught fire, Jesus Christ, The King of Kings and Lord of Lords, was reportedly pushing past Parisian firefighters Monday to run into a burning Notre Dame de Paris and save a beloved relic. “My crown! My crown! Get out of my way—my Crown of Thorns is in there! Move! Move! Move!” said Christ, who dipped His Holy Robes in a baptismal font, covered His nose and mouth with the wet fabric, and sprinted towards His treasured artifact. “All I see are these fucking Last Judgment sculptures and a bunch of bullshit stones from the Church of the Holy Sepulchre! No! Where is my crown of thorns? Where’s my fucking crown of thorns?” At press time, our Lord and Savior was seen on the roof of the burning cathedral, cradling the cherished relic in his arms.
Go to full article
Published: 21st July 2019 - 6.19 am
Source: The Onion


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5 Modern Countries That Are Acting Like Insane Supervillains
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
14 Dumb Health Products Pretending To Be Ancient Secrets
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
These 42 Characters Are Identical No Matter What They're In
8th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Goddamn It, Alex Trebek Has Stage IV Pancreatic Cancer
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
A 'Game Of Thrones' Trailer Is Inspiring More Wacky Theories
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Reasons Famously Bad Movies Totally Sucked
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Crucial Things To Remember About Our Wretched Hellscape
7th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Films That Accidentally Made The Villain The Nicest Person
6th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Better Versions Of Superheroes We'll Hopefully Get Soon
6th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Disney's 'Star Wars' Menu Looks Kind Of Gross
5th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
'Fortnite' Erotica Says A Ton About The Future Of Gaming
5th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Steven Spielberg Wants To Destroy Netflix Movies
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Viral Science News Stories The Media Totally Screwed Up
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Killing The Amazon Dash Button Will Only Make It Stronger
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Miracle Cures That Are Way Worse Than The Disease Itself
4th March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways We Train Teenage Girls To Love Psychopaths
3rd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The 5 Weirdest Schemes Real Countries Use To Pay The Bills
2nd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Unhelpful Ways We Respond To A Friend In Crisis
2nd March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Weird Facts About Congress Nobody Told You In School
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways Baby Boomers Keep Getting Worse
1st March 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Elderly couple's garage contains every single tin of paint they've ever bought
20th July 2019 - 2.03 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Trump condemns audience for chanting ‘send her back’ not ‘send them back’
19th July 2019 - 2.33 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Universal Studios drop first ever cat video hated by the Internet
19th July 2019 - 2.16 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Furious Labour supporters slam 1987 edition of Top of the Pops for 'anti-Corbyn bias'
19th July 2019 - 12.09 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
FaceApp preparing citizens for their appearance in event of no-deal Brexit
19th July 2019 - 11.00 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Randy haunted haystack still somehow hurtling towards Downing Street
19th July 2019 - 10.23 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Furious KKK sues Donald Trump for copyright infringement
19th July 2019 - 9.56 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Brexiters left furious as parliamentary sovereignty stops parliament getting its sovereignty back
18th July 2019 - 4.25 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Horror 'fan' actually just reading plot summaries on Wikipedia
18th July 2019 - 12.37 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man castrated and hounded to suicide by government 'happy' to be on fifty-pound note
18th July 2019 - 12.09 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Conspiracy theorists to celebrate 50th anniversary of first 'moon landing was fake' claim
18th July 2019 - 9.26 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Boris Johnson finally acknowledged as a great statesman after waving kipper around
18th July 2019 - 9.06 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
PM's final speech warns of dangerous political climate she helped create
17th July 2019 - 6.14 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Security services hugely grateful to everyone for uploading their biometric data to FaceApp
17th July 2019 - 3.34 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
If one is head-butted in a tunnel and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound? asks Joey Barton
17th July 2019 - 2.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
UFC looking to snap up Joey Barton in transfer window
17th July 2019 - 10.31 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Free Delivery over £75' is not a f*cking special offer, online shops told
17th July 2019 - 10.10 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
World completely accepts Donald Trump is not racist following his clever declaration that he isn’t
17th July 2019 - 9.21 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
16th July 2019 - 7.36 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Scotland begs the US not to send Donald Trump 'back to where he came from'
16th July 2019 - 3.31 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Once great nation that put men to the moon unable to get c*nt out of White House
16th July 2019 - 12.57 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Trump's comments are totally unacceptable, insists man who refers to black children as picaninnies
16th July 2019 - 10.46 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Fast & Furious movies and spin-offs to be cut short at 'only fifty films' reveal producers
16th July 2019 - 9.38 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
I utterly condemn Donald Trump's tweets but I won’t tell you why, insists courageous Boris Johnson
16th July 2019 - 9.19 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
You can't even say racist things without being called a racist, complains rich old white man
15th July 2019 - 9.37 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
England can't be 'World' Champions at cricket because we don't play it, insists American Baseball fan
15th July 2019 - 4.23 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
American-born congresswoman tells Trump, "Yes, the government where I'm from IS a total catastrophe"
15th July 2019 - 4.00 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Putting 'GO HOME' on the side of a fleet of vans is always more effective than a Tweet, May tells Trump
15th July 2019 - 3.21 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
UK demands to be led by naked head miner from Chernobyl TV series
15th July 2019 - 2.15 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Boris Johnson promises he will have many more strong opinions on things he knows nothing about
15th July 2019 - 12.24 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Noel Gallagher to release bagpipes album
15th July 2019 - 12.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Get back to the supercontinent Pangaea where you all came from, President Trump tells US citizens
15th July 2019 - 10.33 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Cricket convert planning to watch village team this weekend expecting 'more of the same'
15th July 2019 - 9.00 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Disliking popular things is an excellent substitute for a personality, insists teenager
15th July 2019 - 8.30 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Ben Stokes asked if he fancies taking a swing at Brexit
15th July 2019 - 8.15 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man who didn’t understand the customs union moves smoothly on to not understanding the WTO
13th July 2019 - 11.27 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Woman spends hour and a half cleaning house before cleaner arrives
12th July 2019 - 3.53 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Thomas Cook's £750m rescue bidders offered extra leg room for only £150m more
12th July 2019 - 3.27 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Prisons stretched to breaking point after 30,000 journalists join Tommy Robinson inside for committing 'Journalism'
12th July 2019 - 11.57 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Let’s spend more money killing foreigners, says man who killed British people by slashing NHS funding
12th July 2019 - 11.08 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Labour supporters offer to explain what anti-Semitism is to Jewish people
12th July 2019 - 8.52 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Tommy Robinson spends first night in prison, converts to Islam
12th July 2019 - 8.37 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Throwing milkshakes at Tommy Robinson is a horrible crime, insists supporter throwing bottle at police
11th July 2019 - 2.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Tommy Robinson supporters clearly articulate their concerns over his incarceration by hurling traffic cones at policeman
11th July 2019 - 1.24 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Tommy Robinson supporters confused why 'completely innocent' Tommy has to go to prison again
11th July 2019 - 12.21 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Milk Tray man arrested after scaling Buckingham Palace gates
11th July 2019 - 11.44 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
I will deliver Brexit by thoroughly pissing off the people who will carry it out, says Boris Johnson
11th July 2019 - 9.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Labour blames accusations of anti-Semitism on 'Global Jewish conspiracy' to undermine Jeremy Corbyn
11th July 2019 - 9.13 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Boris Johnson confirms that he will wait to appoint US ambassador until Trump tells him who he’s allowed
11th July 2019 - 8.16 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Sir Kim Darroch resigns and apologises for 'any offence caused to that childish, orange f*ckwit'
10th July 2019 - 1.03 pm
Source: News Thump


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