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WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public views as representing a more respectable era of American politics, we’ve decided to bring the nationally renowned George H.W. Bush funeral experience to 12 more cities across the country over the rest of the month,” said Jim McGrath, spokesman for the late president, adding that “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” was slated for three nights in Texas before returning to Washington, D.C. for an encore funeral, and then the president’s casket would be loaded into a newly commissioned Boeing 747 for his “final resting flight” that would barnstorm across the country, including three sold-out nights at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. “Besides the president’s casket, accompanied as always by Sully the service dog, we’ve got a star-studded lineup of eulogists, including Jeb Bush, President Bill Clinton, Vice President Dan Quayle, several of the late president’s grandchildren, and on the funeral tour’s Christmas special at the All Saints’ Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills, President George W. Bush will host a never-before-seen photo montage of the 41st commander-in-chief’s life. For those who can’t make it to see the deceased president in person, don’t worry—it will be broadcast around the clock on ABC, NBC, and CNN, plus live-blogged on The New York Times in its new Salute To 41 vertical, so the nation has several chances to say an extended goodbye to the beloved president one last time. This is truly the patriotic mourning event of the decade, and it is not to be missed.” At press time, the late president’s spokespeople announced that due to its popularity, “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” had added a year-long residency in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand.
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Published: 6th December 2018 - 6.21 pm
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public views as representing a more respectable era of American politics, we’ve decided to bring the nationally renowned George H.W. Bush funeral experience to 12 more cities across the country over the rest of the month,” said Jim McGrath, spokesman for the late president, adding that “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” was slated for three nights in Texas before returning to Washington, D.C. for an encore funeral, and then the president’s casket would be loaded into a newly commissioned Boeing 747 for his “final resting flight” that would barnstorm across the country, including three sold-out nights at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. “Besides the president’s casket, accompanied as always by Sully the service dog, we’ve got a star-studded lineup of eulogists, including Jeb Bush, President Bill Clinton, Vice President Dan Quayle, several of the late president’s grandchildren, and on the funeral tour’s Christmas special at the All Saints’ Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills, President George W. Bush will host a never-before-seen photo montage of the 41st commander-in-chief’s life. For those who can’t make it to see the deceased president in person, don’t worry—it will be broadcast around the clock on ABC, NBC, and CNN, plus live-blogged on The New York Times in its new Salute To 41 vertical, so the nation has several chances to say an extended goodbye to the beloved president one last time. This is truly the patriotic mourning event of the decade, and it is not to be missed.” At press time, the late president’s spokespeople announced that due to its popularity, “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” had added a year-long residency in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand.
Go to full article
Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

WASHINGTON—Declaring that the mourning period for the recently deceased 41st president was “just getting started,” a spokesperson announced Thursday that the incredibly popular George H.W. Bush funeral would go on an extended two-week run. “Based on the outpouring of support we’ve seen for a president who the public views as representing a more respectable era of American politics, we’ve decided to bring the nationally renowned George H.W. Bush funeral experience to 12 more cities across the country over the rest of the month,” said Jim McGrath, spokesman for the late president, adding that “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” was slated for three nights in Texas before returning to Washington, D.C. for an encore funeral, and then the president’s casket would be loaded into a newly commissioned Boeing 747 for his “final resting flight” that would barnstorm across the country, including three sold-out nights at St. Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City. “Besides the president’s casket, accompanied as always by Sully the service dog, we’ve got a star-studded lineup of eulogists, including Jeb Bush, President Bill Clinton, Vice President Dan Quayle, several of the late president’s grandchildren, and on the funeral tour’s Christmas special at the All Saints’ Episcopal Church in Beverly Hills, President George W. Bush will host a never-before-seen photo montage of the 41st commander-in-chief’s life. For those who can’t make it to see the deceased president in person, don’t worry—it will be broadcast around the clock on ABC, NBC, and CNN, plus live-blogged on The New York Times in its new Salute To 41 vertical, so the nation has several chances to say an extended goodbye to the beloved president one last time. This is truly the patriotic mourning event of the decade, and it is not to be missed.” At press time, the late president’s spokespeople announced that due to its popularity, “Thousand Points Of Light: George H.W. Bush In Memoriam” had added a year-long residency in Las Vegas at the MGM Grand.
Go to full article
Published: 17th February 2019 - 1.22 pm
Source: The Onion


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Why You Do The Things You Do: Then Vs. Now
8th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Everyone Needs To Chill Out About The New 'Star Wars' Title
7th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 More Blockbusters That Looked Hilarious Behind The Scenes
7th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The Tragic 'Parks and Rec' Storyline Nobody Talks About
7th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
'Game Of Thrones' Sneakers Are A Thing Now
6th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Gaming Trolls Who Got Punished Hard By Karma
6th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
7 Reasons Americans Have Stopped Trusting One Another
6th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Hilarious Ways Fans Fixed Movie Plot Holes
5th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The 5 Biggest Tech Lies Governments Tried To Pull Off
5th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
There’s A 'Mad Max' Ballet, For Some Reason
5th February 2019 - 2.00 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Man Dies, Takes $190 Million Of Customers' Crypto With Him
4th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 High-Profile Charities That Flew Off The Rails
4th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Famous People And Their Wacky Hobbies You Never Knew About
4th February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways Governments Battle The Paranormal
3rd February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Priceless Objects Destroyed By Sheer Stupidity
2nd February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Apocalyptic Crises (Basically Nobody Realizes Are Coming)
1st February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Iconic Works Of Art That Caused Moral Panics
1st February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Uh, The David Bowie Movie Won't Have Bowie's Music In It
1st February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
How 14 Crappy Products Could Win You Back As A Customer
1st February 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
A Defense Of Ben Affleck's Batman (Seriously)
31st January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Ways Modern Life's Causing Our Bodies To Fall Apart
31st January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Impressive Things Built Entirely Out Of Spite
31st January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The Internet's Debating Who's Sexier: Venom Or Ted Bundy?
30th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
6 Incredibly Dumb Hoaxes That Still Tricked Everybody
30th January 2019 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Democrats thank Trump for opening the door to making climate change, gun control and healthcare all national emergencies
15th February 2019 - 12.29 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jacob Rees-Mogg stages nude Brexit protest
15th February 2019 - 11.59 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Satirical article on Brexit accidentally becomes government policy
15th February 2019 - 11.26 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Maybot sends final message from Brussels: "My battery is low and it's getting dark"
15th February 2019 - 11.06 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Duran Duran satisfied there is now nothing they should know
15th February 2019 - 8.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Teenager who fled the Empire to join the forces of Khorne the Blood God says she regrets her decision and 'just wants to come home'
14th February 2019 - 4.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Mars rover Opportunity's last words were "suck it, nerds"
14th February 2019 - 12.22 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Yorkshire on high alert after man spotted buying Quinoa in Doncaster
14th February 2019 - 11.57 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Woman fine with not receiving Valentine teddy bear as she’s not a f**king fourteen-year-old girl
14th February 2019 - 11.27 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Britain warned of Um Bongo shortages in event of hard Brexit
14th February 2019 - 10.42 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man actually DOES need special day to show he cares, wife concludes
14th February 2019 - 10.10 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Northerner living in London keen to let everyone know how cold it is ‘back home’
14th February 2019 - 9.42 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Corbyn to May: Roses are red, violets are blue, this teddy is stuffed, and now so are you
14th February 2019 - 9.22 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Gucci's £600 fake second-hand trainers targeted solely at complete f*cking morons
13th February 2019 - 12.12 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Cat with expensive new bed still decides to sleep in its litter tray
13th February 2019 - 11.15 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May to push for 'Narnia plus' Brexit deal
13th February 2019 - 10.00 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Bald guy still into hair metal
13th February 2019 - 9.54 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May reassures public that the body bags being stockpiled by the NHS will be blue
13th February 2019 - 9.34 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man in the dog house for not remembering where his wife left her keys
12th February 2019 - 4.03 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Brexiter who knows he was conned by promise of 'sunlit uplands' decides to continue defiantly insisting he wasn't
12th February 2019 - 3.29 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Vladimir Putin announced as new Facebook news regulator
12th February 2019 - 11.29 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'Jesus Saves' posters to be removed across the world, after he discovers he's no match for Gordon Banks
12th February 2019 - 10.59 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Drastic drop in living standards is a price Brexiteers are happy for you to pay
12th February 2019 - 9.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Child told to eat her vegetables or Will Smith's Genie will come after her
11th February 2019 - 3.57 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Equine flu far more severe for stallions than for fillies
11th February 2019 - 2.40 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May wins Bafta for her comedy documentary 'Brexit Deal negotiations'
11th February 2019 - 12.26 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Sir Christopher Chope convinced FGM is popular men’s lifestyle magazine
11th February 2019 - 12.01 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
11th February 2019 - 10.54 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Lower economic growth, tumbling pound and rising inflation were on the other bus, insist Leave campaigners
11th February 2019 - 10.15 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Businesses panic at prospect of Chris Grayling in private sector role
11th February 2019 - 9.35 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Thatcher memorial under threat as Brexit sees statue factory move overseas
8th February 2019 - 3.04 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Migrating birds to be denied entry back into the UK in the spring following Brexit
8th February 2019 - 11.42 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Utter pricks now calling themselves 'disruptors'
8th February 2019 - 10.40 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Everything going swimmingly in alternate universe where Ed Miliband competently eats bacon sandwiches
8th February 2019 - 10.15 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Donald Trump announces country-wide roof to prevent alien invasion
8th February 2019 - 9.40 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Gucci hoping their range of KKK hoods won't also be considered racist
7th February 2019 - 4.09 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Mother wants to know if you're OK after seeing all those strange memes you're sharing
7th February 2019 - 3.52 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Remainer to try controversial Brexit conversion therapy
7th February 2019 - 12.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
People really not upset enough about ACTUAL priests ACTUALLY raping ACTUAL nuns
7th February 2019 - 11.43 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Insults by EU unacceptable, say people who regularly compare it to Hitler
7th February 2019 - 9.45 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Chris Grayling successfully ties own shoes like a big boy
7th February 2019 - 9.28 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man with no plan whatsoever for Brexit outraged by someone pointing it out
6th February 2019 - 6.58 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"I admire them, but I wouldn't want to spend eternity with Brexiters" insists Satan
6th February 2019 - 4.30 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Adventurer parents to hold Alignment Reveal party for their new baby
6th February 2019 - 3.57 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Major fire at Ocado leads to panic buying of Avocado and Quinoa
6th February 2019 - 3.07 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"Special place in Hell for Brexiteers" turns out to be Milton Keynes
6th February 2019 - 2.55 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
First person to stop applauding Donald Trump's State of the Union speech duly shot in the face
6th February 2019 - 12.38 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Man to celebrate the Year of the Pig by focusing on capitalism and male chauvinism
6th February 2019 - 12.14 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Joy on the streets of Belfast as Theresa May's speech resolves centuries of sectarian conflict
6th February 2019 - 10.22 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Crack team of Brexiters to annex Ireland and rename it West Hampshire
6th February 2019 - 9.23 am
Source: News Thump


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