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EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated battlements, arrow-slits, and murder-holes, yet a head on a pike is no mere ornament, but bespeaks a greater purpose, instills a sense as it were of willingness to take action, and furthermore really draws the eye,” the castle’s master chamberlain was heard to tell M’selle Dauphine de L’Alsace, who recently took residence in the castle tower in anticipation of her marriage to Lord Colgrave this coming autumntide. “Without that rotting skull, the vaulted ceilings and stained glass window are mere frippery, boasts without true commitment, without dedication, would you not agree? Certainly, a severed head taketh some upkeep, and oft needeth replacing, due to the effects of weather and worms; but Heaven has seen to provide us with slanderers aplenty and no end of pikes. And, lo! What a conversation piece! Should a visiting duke notice yon head, you merely have to ask him ‘Oh! Did you know Lord so-and-so?’ and you are off, don’t you see.” The peasantry, when asked, were almost unanimous in their agreement that the current head-on-a-pike was a great improvement over the last one, that of known blasphemer Lady Suzanne Colgrave.


Published: 17th August 2018 - 5.00 am
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article

  


Articles

EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated battlements, arrow-slits, and murder-holes, yet a head on a pike is no mere ornament, but bespeaks a greater purpose, instills a sense as it were of willingness to take action, and furthermore really draws the eye,” the castle’s master chamberlain was heard to tell M’selle Dauphine de L’Alsace, who recently took residence in the castle tower in anticipation of her marriage to Lord Colgrave this coming autumntide. “Without that rotting skull, the vaulted ceilings and stained glass window are mere frippery, boasts without true commitment, without dedication, would you not agree? Certainly, a severed head taketh some upkeep, and oft needeth replacing, due to the effects of weather and worms; but Heaven has seen to provide us with slanderers aplenty and no end of pikes. And, lo! What a conversation piece! Should a visiting duke notice yon head, you merely have to ask him ‘Oh! Did you know Lord so-and-so?’ and you are off, don’t you see.” The peasantry, when asked, were almost unanimous in their agreement that the current head-on-a-pike was a great improvement over the last one, that of known blasphemer Lady Suzanne Colgrave.


Published:
Source: The Onion




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Latest Article




Articles

EAST FENS, BRITANNIA—Visitors and residents remarked this week that the severed, pike-mounted head of Duke Robert de L’Alsace, which was installed overlooking the moat outside the western portcullis of Castle Colgrave “doth quite pull together the castle’s look.” “Any fortified residence may sport pennants, crenelated battlements, arrow-slits, and murder-holes, yet a head on a pike is no mere ornament, but bespeaks a greater purpose, instills a sense as it were of willingness to take action, and furthermore really draws the eye,” the castle’s master chamberlain was heard to tell M’selle Dauphine de L’Alsace, who recently took residence in the castle tower in anticipation of her marriage to Lord Colgrave this coming autumntide. “Without that rotting skull, the vaulted ceilings and stained glass window are mere frippery, boasts without true commitment, without dedication, would you not agree? Certainly, a severed head taketh some upkeep, and oft needeth replacing, due to the effects of weather and worms; but Heaven has seen to provide us with slanderers aplenty and no end of pikes. And, lo! What a conversation piece! Should a visiting duke notice yon head, you merely have to ask him ‘Oh! Did you know Lord so-and-so?’ and you are off, don’t you see.” The peasantry, when asked, were almost unanimous in their agreement that the current head-on-a-pike was a great improvement over the last one, that of known blasphemer Lady Suzanne Colgrave.


Published: 18th November 2018 - 9.34 pm
Source: The Onion


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8th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
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Cracked
Humour
That Comet Isn't An Alien Probe, Sorry Everybody
7th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Real Action Movies That Have The Craziest Plots Ever
7th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Amazingly Bad Movie Ad Campaigns
7th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The 5 Dumbest Lies Ever Told By US Presidents (Before Trump)
6th November 2018 - 2.11 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Classic Villains Everybody Gets Wrong
6th November 2018 - 2.11 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
'Fantastic Beasts 2' May Screw Up The Harry Potter Timeline
6th November 2018 - 2.10 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Horrors Of Climate Change (Normal People Don't Know About)
5th November 2018 - 2.14 pm
Source: Cracked
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Humour
5 Terrorist Plots That Were Done For Stupid Dumb Reasons
5th November 2018 - 2.14 pm
Source: Cracked
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Humour
Blizzard Unveils New 'Diablo' Game, And Fans Are Mad As Heck
5th November 2018 - 2.11 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
So, Um, Real-Life Satanists Are Angry at Netflix's 'Sabrina'
5th November 2018 - 2.11 pm
Source: Cracked
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Humour
Vote Like The Fate Of The World Depends On It
4th November 2018 - 2.14 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Rock Stars Who Tried Acting (And Failed Hard)
3rd November 2018 - 1.15 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
The Spoilers For Game Of Thrones' Last Season Sound Epic
2nd November 2018 - 1.15 pm
Source: Cracked
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Humour
We're Getting A 'Gladiator' Sequel, But Not The One We Need
2nd November 2018 - 1.15 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Celebrity Benders More Epic Than Most Movies
2nd November 2018 - 1.14 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
Here's Why Spinoff TV Shows Are Formulaic Garbage
2nd November 2018 - 1.14 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
4 Sexual Behaviors That Have Become Oddly Common in Public
2nd November 2018 - 1.14 pm
Source: Cracked
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Humour
4 Easter Eggs In Superhero Movie Posters You Totally Missed
1st November 2018 - 1.04 pm
Source: Cracked
Cracked
Humour
5 Things You Learn About TV (By Trying To Sell A Show)
1st November 2018 - 1.04 pm
Source: Cracked
News Thump
Humour
Some bloke called Steve named Brexit Secretary for a bit
16th November 2018 - 6.51 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
New Brexit Secretary inaugurated with traditional goblet of bubbling turds
16th November 2018 - 6.39 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Dominic Raab insists he's NOT a rogue sex robot for Tory women of a certain age
16th November 2018 - 4.18 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Pudsey declared fit for work by DWP as he can still use his other eye
16th November 2018 - 3.29 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
New Indiana Jones film to feature search for a workable Brexit deal
16th November 2018 - 12.50 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Nation pisses itself laughing after David Davis claims an FTA with the EU would take 3 months
16th November 2018 - 10.36 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May's cabinet downgraded to a 'chest of drawers'
16th November 2018 - 9.54 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
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'Brexit Withdrawal Agreement Is Brilliant' to be printed on side of bus to secure support amongst idiots
16th November 2018 - 9.03 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Aim of Brexit referendum to unite Conservative Party now fully achieved, confirms David Cameron
15th November 2018 - 4.10 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
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"Coup is the wrong word" says shotgun-wielding Jacob Rees-Mogg
15th November 2018 - 4.01 pm
Source: News Thump
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Government wouldn’t be in this mess if Boris Johnson’s dad had stuck to his Withdrawal Agreement
15th November 2018 - 3.34 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Baldrick named as new Brexit Secretary
15th November 2018 - 2.50 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
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Concerned nation joins hunt for missing Boris Johnson
15th November 2018 - 2.29 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
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Environmentalists criticise government for employing single-use Brexit Secretaries
15th November 2018 - 12.46 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Everyone has very strong opinions about 500-page Brexit deal that no one has read
15th November 2018 - 12.40 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
John Lewis releases Elton John doll in time for Christmas
15th November 2018 - 12.30 pm
Source: News Thump
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Daily Mail criticises BBC for undermining Christian values as Dr Who special moved to New Year
15th November 2018 - 11.51 am
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Esther McVey 'now subject to benefit sanctions' after voluntarily resigning from her job
15th November 2018 - 10.35 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
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Dominic Raab resigns after admitting that Theresa May has 'failed' in the job he was supposed to be doing
15th November 2018 - 9.27 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
'But we were pwomithed a pony' shout tedious whiny f*cking Brexiters
15th November 2018 - 8.58 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May successfully delivers Brexit deal that disappoints absolutely everyone
14th November 2018 - 9.03 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Cabinet ministers urged to keep their resignation letters nice and short
14th November 2018 - 4.51 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"No deal is better than a bad deal but please agree to this bad deal so we can have a deal" pleads May
14th November 2018 - 3.53 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Parliament to be given vote between May's terrible Brexit deal and catastrophe of no deal
14th November 2018 - 12.06 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Employee who misread lotto numbers frantically cleaning his own shit from manager's desk
14th November 2018 - 11.23 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
“Come on then, fuckers!” roars drunken Theresa May at Brexit cabinet meeting
14th November 2018 - 10.47 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Esther McVey and Andrea Leadsom awake to find horse heads in their beds
14th November 2018 - 9.27 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"I refuse to be drenched in anything other than hooker piss" confirms Trump
13th November 2018 - 4.42 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Shock as Toy Story 4 trailer hints at introduction of sex toy character
13th November 2018 - 4.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"You can have a freakshake when you stop being so f*cking fat" confirms government
13th November 2018 - 12.43 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Harry Redknapp's I'm A Celebrity luxury item revealed to be a chequebook
13th November 2018 - 12.16 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Number of paedophiles exposed by Tommy Robinson remains steady at zero
13th November 2018 - 11.15 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Aliens prepared to intervene over Irish backstop
13th November 2018 - 9.06 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Couple who named child Farage Rees-Mogg face jail
13th November 2018 - 8.33 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Stan Lee takes up permanent cameo in a billion grateful imaginations
12th November 2018 - 9.16 pm
Source: News Thump
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Humour
Jeremy Corbyn criticised for attending Remembrance Day service in his pyjamas
12th November 2018 - 12.51 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
We didn't like British Airways anyway, insist Brexiters
12th November 2018 - 11.47 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Ten more Johnson brothers to resign from government this week
12th November 2018 - 9.53 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Jeremy Corbyn beats level 653 on Candy Crush during Brexit briefing
12th November 2018 - 9.30 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
PayPal boycott by Tommy Robinson fans sees payment firm lose tens of pounds
9th November 2018 - 4.12 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Theresa May hit by colossal metaphor as she is involved in car crash in Belgium
9th November 2018 - 3.21 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Knife crime immediately disappears after Sajid Javid tells police to step up
9th November 2018 - 1.58 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Dominic Raab surprised to learn importance of toilet paper after attempting to wipe own arse
9th November 2018 - 12.02 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
NewsThump to release Christmas TV advert
9th November 2018 - 10.35 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
White shooter was "Lonely, misunderstood, mentally ill and such and such"
9th November 2018 - 10.13 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Cash refusing to be touched by Tommy Robinson
9th November 2018 - 9.47 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Hopes remain high that White House intern will walk again after brutal Jim Acosta attack
9th November 2018 - 8.14 am
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Anti-Brexit WWII veteran stunned to discover he is actually a member of the metropolitan liberal elite
8th November 2018 - 12.32 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
"I thought food and medicine appeared because of food and medicine fairies" admits Dominic Raab
8th November 2018 - 12.16 pm
Source: News Thump
News Thump
Humour
Prince Charles promises that as King he will only talk about homeopathy to his plants
8th November 2018 - 11.52 am
Source: News Thump