WINTANCAESTER, BRITANNIA—In response to the outcry that has followed the distribution of woodcuts showing one of its members posing next to a beheaded dragon, the Chivalric Order of St. George issued a statement Wednesday rebuking the notion that the creatures could go extinct if knights continue to hunt them. “In this land, we have a fine tradition of sharpening our lances, riding to the edge of a distant forest, and slaying what dragons we find there, a practice that helps manage the population of these fire-breathing beasts and reduce incidents in which they unleash deadly torrents of flame upon our fields, homes, and livestock,” said Sir Berold of Warwick, the order’s lord prelate, who disputes critics’ claims that the number of dragons has plummeted 87 percent since the advent of the Iron Age in Britannia. “The meat of a single dragon can provide a feast for all who dwell within a lord’s keep, and its bones can be made into a hearty broth by any scullery wench. Even its scales and blood can be put to gainful use by our witches. Besides, if we ceased dragon-slaying, there would be no employment for our squires, and we would have no choice but to banish them from our manors and let them starve to death.” Sources confirmed Sir Berold later settled his differences with opponents of dragon hunting by holding a meeting in the town square during which every man, woman, and child who disagreed with him was burned at the stake.
Published: 18th November 2018 - 10.02 am
Source: The Onion